aka sophomore me 8 years ago:
"Hi! My name is Alice and I’m an Environmental Commissioner in the Community Leadership class! I’m so excited for this upcoming year for a lot of reasons. First of all, every single one of my teachers is friendly and nice, so I’m actually looking forward to my classes this year. Also, I’m not a confused freshman anymore, which means no more getting lost and ending up in random classrooms. That’s always good! Another thing that I’m excited about for this year is the commission I’m in—we have a lot of great ideas and Community Leadership is a fun class to be in. Anyways, when I’m at school I generally tend to be more hyper than I am at home. I think it’s because I’m surrounded with my classmates and friends at Monta Vista, so I have a tendency to be more energized and interested in whatever’s going on. When I’m at home, I’m usually by myself in my room doing homework or practicing color guard/piano and I don’t talk that much (I don’t talk to myself), so I’m a little bored there.
One weird quirk about me is that I have a phobia of popping balloons. It’s a strange thing that started at Kennedy’s eighth grade graduation dance—when all the balloons were released from the “balloon-drop net” on the ceiling, one popped on my head and it was really painful. Now, whenever I see a balloon (the rubber kind) near me, I always envision that it will burst open on my head like the one at the graduation dance did.”
"All you know about are goals. We’re fresh sold out of dreams here."
"That’s fine. It’s not the first time. Sacrificing your dreams at the altar of reality is a rite of passage for everyone but a handful of rock stars and ballerinas. You can’t ever let that shit get to you, or else you’ll end up leading one of those lives of quiet desperation.
The trick is a healthy line of succession. When a dream dies, you gotta pick up that crown and put it on the next head right away. It doesn’t matter if the new dream is thirteen years old and terrified, that bitch is queen now.
The dream is dead. Long live the dream.”
August 13, 2014
August 13, 2014
August 12, 2014
August 11, 2014
Woman holds a girl standing outside hospital room
Small Asian girl
Says, I wish I could tell you every day that you are precious
Big, baby eyes / knit pink green purple sweater
Me and my sisterEdit: woah I just wrote this after I woke up and an hour later I sort of have no idea what this is about
I’ve spent a lot of time on planes, trains, and small rickety buses to middle-of-nowhere countryside destinations this past week. Naturally being confined to a small seat on a moving vehicle watching interesting landscapes zoom by - in Japan, this translated to a lot of green, leafy plant life that I tried to take as many pictures (mental and real) of - is also a good setting for doing a lot of deep thinking. Maybe deep is a loaded word here. Just like words like potential and greatness. Reflective I think more precisely describes the kind of thinking I have been spending time thinking about. Does the word think sound weird to you now?
The more I travel (which in the past year has been a pretty happy amount - starting with Johannesburg/Singapore/Shanghai after I graduated, and then NYC/Seattle a bunch of times at Dropbox, then Tokyo/Seoul at this time last year, and then Tokyo/HK/Hangzhou/Rome about two months ago) the more I start to realize the types of places that I feel most comfortable settling down in. Take now, for instance. I just landed in Shanghai after a week of overstimulation in Tokyo and nature-cleanse-balance-Zen-ness in Noberibetsu. Neither one was perfect, but I enjoyed (and appreciated) both experiences. But Shanghai is a whole different energy. I’m staying in an apartment in a great location - it’s a nice two bedroom with a comfy bed and nice big table. Downstairs, if I want, I can hop on over to the river - tomorrow I’m going to try to find a bike rental place - or get fresh fruit. It’s like what I’m looking for is a nice apartment in the middle of a NYC-like city. Anonymous, but nice so that I don’t have to be constrained by my living situation. I like that a lot. I think I thrive the most in that kind of environment.
Thinking this through makes me realize that San Francisco isn’t the most stimulating kind of environment for my taste in this regard. I can certainly get the “nice” and “peace” parts down (SF apartments are generally bigger and neighborhoods more chill than their NYC counterparts, for instance) but not the anonymity. Not sure what this all means. I’ll think about it some more. I mean, reflect.
Another thought I had on the bus this morning! It was raining very softly and the bus chattered along toward the tiny little airport on the island. We always hear the great declarations, “be who you want to be,” “do what you love.” Yet these too are very loaded statements because they imply an activeness and therefore a certain degree of assumed responsibility and therefore expectancy in behavior aka a PLAN on behalf of the individual to aim for who you actively want to be, what you actively (not passively) love. So such statements intended to free imply confinement to what one already knows, which is generally a very small fraction when compared to what one does not yet know. It seems to me a far better, more precise set of statements would be something like, “be what feels right to you,” or “do what feels right to you.” Because here the only sense of activeness, or reaching, lies in trusting your intuition, which you have sharpened over the n years of your existence, and your morals, which you hopefully also continue to explicate to yourself also over time. And I think the people who say this sort of thing (myself included) generally mean that you should indeed trust your intuition/moral (=gut) rather than your currently-formed idea of who or what you strive to be, which at best is a snapshot.
Just a thought. Sleep now.
July 30, 2014
July 28, 2014
the angel from my nightmares
you and your blue eyelashes, I forgot to ever tell you that they were blue; blue is the color of your eyelashes in the morning, now you won’t know the parts of you that only I can see will stay with me and that’s how it just has to be. how are you and your blue eyelashes this evening? I hope they know that they are loved. I’m still brushing them from my own bright eyes.
we need to save the world. yes, the world needs help. no time to just dilly dally here. we must fix things. that is the only life I can lead. I saw the future of the other paths and there faced only superficiality. these things - greatness wrt popularity, greatness of craft - only enhance one’s sense of personal empowerment of they are aligned with the true self. my true self desires to help others. this stems from an awareness of my own privilege. I think you have to be very optimistic to face things fully in this kind of way; I’m hoping to get there.
I think the cello is the most beautiful instrument. did I ever tell you that?
enough of this. lovelorn posts on tumblr are so 2013.
LETS GO. DON’T WAIT. HONEST. LET’S MAKE. THIS LAST FOREVER.
(that’s more like it)
(PS I’m going thru a blink 182 kick this week)